A Season for Everything

The sounds of robins chirping, motorcycles zooming by, lawn mowers buzzing, and the smell of fresh cut grass can only mean one thing…Spring is in the air! The temperature might still be a little chilly in the morning, but by midday you can shed your jacket and enjoy the warmth of the sunshine.

Fall is my favorite season, but Springtime is not far behind. It signifies that warmer weather is just around the corner. Flowers bloom to expose all of the beautiful color combinations you can imagine. The laughter of children echoes in the park. Everything seems refreshed and rejuvenated. Yesterday just happened to be one of those beautiful spring days. I took advantage of the warmer weather and spent all day outdoors. I raked my yard, organized my garage, and assembled a bistro set I had purchased for the patio. I topped it all off by enjoying my new table and chairs. I sat down with a drink in one hand and binoculars in the other (to observe the various birds that gather around my bird feeders). At the end of it all I mustered the little bit of energy I had left and cut down some hyacinths to make a pretty bouquet for my kitchen. They filled the entire room with their sweet aroma! So, why am I feeling down today? You already know. There is no “cure” for depression, only maintenance.

With depression some days are better than others. Our mood is not necessarily dependent on what’s going on around us. While our environment and circumstances do affect our mood, we also have to account for biological factors. We are beings with imperfect bodies who suffer from physical ailments, chemical imbalances, genetic flaws, etc. In other words, even if the world around us were to be perfect we must remember that our bodies are not.

My advice to you (and me) is do not blame yourself. Do not feel guilty about feeling depressed. Also, don’t waste the little amount of strength you have trying to fight it. It’s coming whether we like it or not! The important thing to remember is that we have been here before yet risen victoriously in the end. Continue trudging forward until you see the light at the end of the tunnel once again. Use Spring as a reminder that there is a season for everything and that in due time everything will be renewed, including yourself.

Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4 – “To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven…A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.”

How do You Cope?

    It comes like a thief in the night, quietly making its way through your most intimate parts in search of what it can rob from you. That is depression. Depression doesn’t care how much work and effort you’ve put into something. Its only mission is to dismantle you at your very core. Only then will it be satisfied. It has no empathy. It has no sympathy. It has no conscience. It robs you of your joy. The more reasons you have to be joyful for, the harder depression fights to make its way into your life. Fortunately, we have ways to cope with it.

     I learned long ago that self-care is of utmost importance. A major component of self-care is to educate yourself AND OTHERS about how your depression affects you, and ways you can overcome some of the damage it causes. I say some because depression is a chronic illness that doesn’t just simply go away. It can be mitigated, but hardly ever eradicated. Depression can go into hibernation but it will always find a way to make an appearance, usually during your most joyful moments.

     Self-care can look different for each and every one of us. It can be in the form of medication, exercise, healthy diet, spirituality, meditation, etc. The question we must ask ourselves is, “What works best for me?” Oh, and let me not forget to add a very important factor to this list: stay away from negative voices! The world is full of complainers–people that tend to lament over their life but don’t want to find solutions. There also those who will make ignorant comments such as “Get over it.”, or “I’ve been through much worse and I’m not depressed.” Drop those people like a hot piece of coal and move on! Can you just get over having illnesses such as asthma, diabetes, or high blood pressure? No, but you can keep symptoms and flare-ups under control. The same principle applies to depression. Depression is a mental infirmity, and just because you can’t hear it or take a blood test to prove you have it does not mean it doesn’t exist.

     In my case self-care consists of coping methods such as prayer, writing, listening to music, watching comedies, taking leisurely walks, and not rushing through life. I refuse to allow myself or anyone else put too many things on my plate. I choose to do only one thing at a time. I choose to say no if I know I can’t handle a task. I also say no if I don’t feel like doing something or going somewhere. I choose to not attempt to please everybody at every moment. And I do so without feeling guilty.

     For any of you out there who struggle with depression I would like to remind you that you are not alone. It may feel like that much of the time, but that is partly because we tend to isolate ourselves when we feel down. However, statistical data demonstrates that “depression is a common mental disorder…Globally an estimated 350 million people of all ages suffer from depression” (http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs369/en/).

     So, what are we to do? We need to do what is best for us! We must not listen to the negative voices. We shall cry if we have to cry. We need to reach out to someone we trust. We must pray even when it’s difficult to utter the words. Most important of all, we must not give up! We must continue on even if we have to drag ourselves to the other side. We must not forget all of the walls we have climbed over and own the fact that we are strong!

Silent Pain

Every once in a while you see something or hear something that makes you stop in your tracks. The opposite is also true. You might see a topic that doesn’t seem to be of importance or interest to you at all, but then you hear about it again and it completely immerses you. Such was my experience a couple of weeks ago when I saw Kevin Hines* speak about suicide.

Suicide is something that has touched me personally, yet I have not typically given it much thought. Perhaps it was because the subject of suicide is a societal taboo. Or perhaps it was because for so long I didn’t understand the “whys” as to why someone would take their own life, until I experienced some of those thoughts myself.

My first encounter with anything related to suicide occurred when I was 13. My father had been diagnosed with a very painful form of cancer (multiple myeloma) a couple of years earlier. I had watched him grimace in pain, and wither away to nothing as the days and weeks went by. He was a quiet man, and a very reserved Latino man at that, so he would not discuss how he was feeling with anyone. He suffered in silence. And it was in that silence that he attempted to take his own life.

All I can remember about that day is the little bit of chaos that my mother would let me witness. “Is he going to make it?” was one of the questions I heard. “Should we take him to the hospital?” was another. I don’t actually remember seeing my father in his bedroom. I only remember seeing him in the hospital with tubes inserted in his body, and hearing conversations about the doctors pumping his stomach of its contents. I was 13, and memories can sometimes play tricks on you, but that is what I mainly remember. I also remember being around my dad as much as I could after he came home. I did not want to leave him alone, fearing that he would try to do the same thing again.

My dad never told me why he did what he did. For a long time I was mad at him because I couldn’t reconcile the fact that he loved me, but not enough to try to keep on living. I simply just did not understand his pain. I have since learned that people who take their own lives don’t really want to die. No, they simply want the hurting to stop. We may not understand the hurt, but their pain is very real.

My father died in 1982. I still miss him immensely despite all of the years that have passed, but I am at peace knowing that his pain ended long ago. Now today, October 12, 2016, on what would have been his 93^rd birthday, I choose to honor his memory by recognizing that he did love me. He loved me with all that he had. He loved me despite his pain.

Depression is something I will always have to deal with, but thankfully I have not had suicidal thoughts for a very long time. I thank God for that. I thank my friends and family for their love and support. I also need to thank myself for recognizing that self-care is of utmost importance.

My wish is that we reach out to those who are hurting, and that if you are the one hurting that you let somebody know. Do not feel embarrassed, and do not feel weak. Asking for help is one of the bravest things any of us can ever do!

* “In September 2000, Kevin Hines leapt off the Golden Gate Bridge, a method of suicide attempt that has resulted in death for most of the 2000 people who have made that jump since the bridge was erected in 1937…But Kevin survived. He survived, and in the 16 years since his nearly fatal try, Kevin has become the bridge between the many mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, children, spouses, friends, and loved ones who made a similar acts.”

Check out his incredible story at http://www.kevinhinesstory.com/

Chips & Chocolate

Has something ever happened to you and you thought, “Wow, what a coincidence!” Happens to me all the time. What I have noticed, however, is that most times they are not mere coincidences. They are lessons.

Sometimes lessons are so subtle that if we are not paying attention we miss them, but every now and then we ask ourselves, “Was I supposed to learn something from this?” For me most of the time the answer is yes! This week was a prime example of that.

A couple of days ago I went to the store to buy a few necessities. Payday was still a few days away so I had to be wise with the little bit of money I had on hand. Many times we confuse our “wants” with our “needs” and I had that in mind when I set my sight on a bag of potato chips. I enjoy a good potato chip! Of course it was right there as soon as you walk into the store, so I had the entire time at the store to think about that bag of chips. Although my desire was great, I decided I better wait because I had to buy other items in order to make sure my son had something for dinner for the next couple of days. I left the store without the bag of chips.

After I got home it was time to get ready for bible study. In lieu of our usual routine, our group had decided to get together and help out a couple that is in the midst of a total house renovation. They need a lot of assistance as they have a newborn and have to get things repaired and cleaned before they move in. We joyfully pitched in and enjoyed some snacks that were brought. One of the snacks was none other than a bag of chips! Needless to say I dug right in. When it was time to go home the friend that brought the chips said, “Maribel, take these home. I don’t want them.” Lo and behold, I got my chips…for free!

Yesterday I had a similar scenario at work. We received an email that in honor of St. Patrick’s Day there was a mint chocolate candy bar in our staff mailbox. I love chocolate more than chips! I immediately sent out a thank you email and couldn’t wait until I checked my mailbox. That candy bar would be a great supplement to my lunch. I was excited to go pick up my candy bar. My excitement was short lived though because when I checked I didn’t have one. I received the email but apparently was not one of the intended recipients. I was disappointed.

Later on in the day a co-worker who had gone to a meeting that I was unable to attend called and asked me if I had a minute because she brought back some information to share with me. When she came to my office she handed me a couple of brochures, a pen, and a York Peppermint Patty – the same type of candy bar that was supposed to be in my mailbox!

Now I need to make an addition. As I was writing this I took a coffee break. I didn’t bring breakfast with me this morning, and was actually craving Ritz crackers (another one of my favorite snacks). I made the coffee, went to chat with a coworker, and what did she have right there on the corner of her desk? A pack of Ritz crackers! She told me to help myself. She had no idea what an impact that had on me, and what a confirmation it gave me.

I refuse to believe that these incidents are mere coincidences. I was supposed to learn a lesson, or be reminded of lessons I already know. Psalm 37:4 states, “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”  Matthew 6 encourages us to not worry excessively about the every day cares of life. Instead, we ought to put God above all else because we have His assurance that He will take care of our every need. Philippians 4:6 tells us to “…not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

Sometimes God uses us, and other times he talks to us/shows up through others.  How blessed am I that this week He showed up in the form of chips and chocolate…and Ritz!

Make Life Count

Within the past couple of days I received news that two family members are on their deathbeds, one given a few days to live, the other a couple of months. Life is finite, that is no secret. Not one of us can escape the hour when we will take our last breath on this earth. Typically we don’t wake up asking ourselves if today will be that day. No one knows the exact time. We all know we must die, but when we are told we have an approximate period of time to live it becomes so much more real.

I think I reflect on death more than your conventional person because of losing both parents to cancer. I remember hearing that dreaded phrase, “You have x-number of months to live.” This is why I try to live my life to the fullest. I travel, I tell people I love them, I forgive, I try to be as kind as I can be, and I eat what I want when I have a craving. I refuse to allow my finances dictate how I’m going to enjoy life. I usually have enough resources to do what I want because I choose to be content with what I have. I don’t live life to impress anyone else, nor to accommodate anyone’s idea of how I should live my life. I know that I am on this earth only because God allowed it to be so, and realize that this is my temporary home. I am imperfect. I screw up, I get up again, and thank God for His mercy. My future is secure in Him.

Hearing the recent bad news finds me once again contemplating the brevity of life. Don’t spend your last days lamenting the past. Make your life count from today on! Do the things you want to do, always keeping God in the forefront. Free yourself by forgiving others, spend less on brand names and more on memories, don’t cancel plans with family in order to get more work done. Spend less time being upset at your significant other and more time demonstrating why you fell in love with them in the first place. Craving dessert? Eat it! In public and get the urge to dance? Do it!

What stories do you want to leave behind with your loved ones? Let their grief be replaced by loving memories.

Afraid to Live?

     Fear. The word itself connotes worry and concern. We have all feared something or someone.  Whether it’s another human being, an illness, a decision, or commitment we have at one time or another experienced that uneasy feeling up and down our spine. And you know what? It is perfectly okay to be afraid!
     Many people hold fear as being synonymous with weakness. I couldn’t disagree more! Fear is an emotion that leads to action. You might be thinking, “No way! Fear makes me freeze in my tracks!” The fact of the matter is that either way we must take action: freeze and turn around, or face the fear and trudge forward.
     According to www.psychologytoday.com, “Fear is a vital response to physical and emotional danger—if we didn't feel it, we couldn't protect ourselves from legitimate threats.” Too often, however, we protect ourselves so much that we end up giving in to our fear.
     Let me be candid with you and share some of my fears. Because of an incident when I was around 4 years old, I fear black hairy spiders (one crawled down my arm)! I am slightly claustrophobic (I don’t like feeling trapped). I dislike speeding in cars and driving over bridges. I absolutely have a fear of heights. And, I definitely fear something bad happening to my children.

     To a certain extent I have faced some of the fears I listed. One of my proudest moments was climbing a very tall ladder and swinging on a flying trapeze. I was literally paralyzed with fear in the beginning, but it got a little less intimidating each time I climbed. Am I still afraid of heights? Certainly! However, each time it gets a little easier. I constantly pray to God to watch over and protect my children. Do I still worry about them? Of course, but I don’t let it consume my thoughts.
     What I’m trying to say is that fear used to hold me back from living. It was safer to stay in my comfort zone. If I tried, I might experience failure. If I loved, it would hurt. I was afraid to be happy. I had many goals and dreams, but fear kept me from attempting to accomplish them. Remember I said fear is an emotion that leads to action? Well it was that same fear that prompted me to change: fear of the hopeless routines, fear of missing out on all of the beautiful things life has to offer. And most of all, fear of living an insignificant life.
     God placed each and every one of us on this earth with a unique purpose to serve. Some live a majestic life of record-breaking achievements, others enjoy the thrill of being financially secure, and yet others enjoy the reward of having a loving family life. While it is perfectly normal to be afraid, we should never allow fear to hold us back from embracing God’s purpose for us. We are not here to merely exist, we are here to live!

Timing

      They say timing is everything. I guess that’s true, but I also believe that sometimes it’s a little off. It takes you in a direction you were not planning to go in. Nevertheless, I have a saying, “The best times are had unplanned.” You can’t plan for situations and expect them to come out right 100% of the time.
     Some of the best feelings in the world are impromptu smiles, unplanned adventures, secret escapes. You can’t be disappointed because you’re not expecting anything in the first place. On the contrary, your heart is filled with genuine joy because the stars lined up and everything turned out just the way you didn’t plan.
     This was my experience during my recent trip back home, the home of my ancestors. No economic crisis, no lack of employment, nor moral dilemmas can take away her beauty. Not one of God’s creations is ugly, and Puerto Rico is a prime example of that. It is one of the most beautiful places on earth. 
     During this recent visit I was re-energized and further educated. I learned that we have four different landscapes: beaches, mountains, rainforest, and desert…all within driving distance of each other! Our people are open, warm, and caring. We have a zest for life. Music is in our blood, and it carries a variety of rhythms through our veins. And what can I say about our food? It’s unparalleled! 
     Our rich history tells of our Taíno ancestors’ struggle to survive, the slaves’ cries for freedom, and the expansion of the Spanish. But the real beauty of the matter is that we are all one. Black, white, tan – we all lay claim to a rich heritage that has intertwined throughout the years. One cannot survive without the other. 
     Although I am returning to the place I’ve called home for the past 30+ years, I have left my heart behind. It was touched, it was blessed, and it was captured. I have not felt this cleansed and alive in a very long time. I was not prepared to experience the feelings that came over me, but it couldn’t have happened at a better time.

Looking Good

Yesterday someone said I looked good. Today someone else said I looked healthy. I did not agree. “But I’ve gained ten pounds!” I uttered. Then it dawned on me…I am healthier. I am emotionally healthier.

Sad thoughts are few and far between these days. My mind is clearer. I find myself smiling more often, singing along to my favorite songs, and acting goofy. And most importantly, I look forward to the future, with hope.

Life is all about climbing the peaks and resting at the valleys, and I hope I have been able to encourage you in some way. You’ve shared in my journey and have been able to see how depression has affected me. There are many, many things I have not shared on here but believe me when I tell you it is a miracle that I have not given up on life. I know depression well enough to know that it will try to make a re-appearance. But I also know my God well enough to know that He will still be there to sustain me. I know because He promised (Isaiah 46:4).

So keep your head up, even when the burden is heavy. It will get lighter. After all, a certain amount of darkness is necessary to see the stars.

The Hand of God

I don’t always remember vivid details about the dreams I have. Most often I remember how I feel after the dream (scared, happy, confused, etc.) Last night was a different story. I had a dream that was very brief, but very powerful.

My dream took place inside an old factory that I had wandered into. Oh, I didn’t wander in there by mistake. No, my intentions were not good at all. I was there to sin, purposely sin. I weaved through the factory, which inside seemed to be all but abandoned. I saw a set of steps that led me to a cramped corner that was barely lit. I curled up in that corner with my back to a small window. It was dusk outside – no bright sunshine or rays of light coming in. Just above me there was a small ledge. On that ledge was what I believe to have been a small bird inside a tiny cage.  At the bottom of the steps was the object of my sin. I had passed right by it, hoping it would recognize what I was there for.

I remember a feeling of dark anticipation, vacillating between feeling excited and feeling guilty. I remember looking up and seeing a stream of light moving across the wall and the steps. It wasn’t very bright, but it was enough to create shadows. Then the most amazing thing happened, a shadow formed into the silhouette of an open left hand. I instantly knew it did not belong to me, for my hands were folded and placed near my stomach. Also, there wasn’t anything or anyone else around me.

I didn’t have to guess for long who the hand belonged to. I immediately felt a strong desire to pray, and then everything became clear. I had just witnessed the hand of God. He was there with me. In that abandoned factory, in the darkest corner, God was with me all along. I could not hide my desire to sin. I also knew that even in that solitary place, I was not alone.

I’m not sure what the bird in the cage represented. Was it perhaps a reflection of how I felt – trapped in a dark corner where no one would see or find me, except for the person who put me there? Did I feel trapped by my own sin? Oh well, that doesn’t matter much to me. What matters most is knowing, and being reassured of, the fact that I am never alone. No matter where I find myself physically or emotionally, no matter how obscure my circumstances seem, God’s hand is always there to guide me.

Are you feeling broken, shameful, desperate, or simply getting ready to deliberately commit a sin? It’s not too late, reach out and grab the hand of God. He is right there with you. He will pull you out to safety and restore you. His word promises just that. 

John 10:27-29 

Isaiah 41:13

Whirlwind of Emotions

     If you grew up going to the playground, chances are you had the joy of riding on the merry go-round at top speed, then stepping off feeling as if you entered some sort of vortex. Your feet might have been touching the ground, but your brain was still spinning. Your eyes moved to the left or the right, but it took a few seconds for the picture in your brain to catch up. This is the only way I know how to describe what I am experiencing now that I stopped taking one of my antidepressants.

     Aside from the dizzy-like effect, which is sometimes referred to in the antidepressant world as “brain zaps”, I have been experiencing a whirlwind of emotions and physical symptoms: fatigue, irritability, strange dreams, and blurry/double vision. Fun, fun! 

     I was aware that taking any type of medication can cause side effects, but I did not give much thought to the fact that coming off of certain medications can cause withdrawal symptoms (hence why doctors are adamant about properly weaning yourself off of them, a piece of advice I did not heed too closely.) 

     My decision to stop taking Celexa has been a year in the making. Thanks to God, I stopped going to my therapist last year and it has gone rather well. That, I admit, was a scary decision to make. A therapist/patient relationship is just that, a relationship. When you stop going to your appointments, it’s as if you “break-up” with that person. We both agreed I was at a good point in life where discontinuing counseling was not a bad decision. I had decided, however, it was best not to discontinue my medication at the same time, lest it be too much too soon. So, I made it my goal to quit one year later, and here I am. I do not regret this decision, I just wish I had done more research about what to expect. 

     If you or anyone you know is on antidepressants, be patient! Be kind to yourself. Be empathetic with others. Let the person explain how they are feeling, even if you do not completely understand. The symptoms can feel like hell, but they are not permanent. Even if just one person reading this has gained some insight about what living with depression is like, then I know this blog entry was not written in vain.

Whirlwind

It's a whirlwind in my skull
Mind flipping this way and that
STOP
Dizziness is good for the soul I think to myself
But then it starts up again
Mind tossing this way and that
It won't stop
It can't stop
It's a whirlwind in my skull...
STOPSTOPSTOP

Jared Eli

Aug 23, 2013

http://hellopoetry.com/words/4838/whirlwin/poems/

New Risks Equal New Beginnings

Once again, it has been a while since I have written on my blog. Aside from sheer laziness, I’ll blame the fact that I am working two jobs, which leaves me little time for extra-curricular activities.

All of the wintry weather we’ve been having lately reminded me of something I posted three years ago about gentle reminders and new beginnings. Basically, while it seems that winter will never end, we must remember that indeed it will and soon enough we will be enjoying the robin’s chirp, April showers, blooming flowers and my personal favorite, a walk in the park.

            It’s not often that we think of an end to something as the beginning of something new. We tend to concentrate on the loss. It just happens to be human nature, and that is ok. We must allow ourselves time to grieve. People handle situations differently, and that is ok also. I hate that people are labeled as strong vs. weak. How about we just accept the fact that we are all built differently? Our background and experiences shape us into the person we are today, and none of us has the same exact story.

My depression has been hiding for a long time, although it tried to make an appearance around the holidays and a couple of days ago. I am better prepared this time around so I put it back in its place. In the words of Sweet Brown, “Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That!” Meditating on some recent tragedies in my community lately reminds me that life is indeed a short journey. What is tangible to us today can be gone in an instant. I am once again encouraged to not take people, things, or opportunities for granted. I will once again open my heart to love, knowing that nothing in life is guaranteed. After all, if you don’t take risks you will be left wondering what could have been.

“In the end, you’ll only regret the chances you didn’t take, relationships you were afraid to have, and the decisions you waited too long to make.”

Delayed, But Not Detained

So you’re driving along, on your way to that dream vacation you’ve planned for months now, when one of the tires on your vehicle blows out. You skid, you pull over, fix the flat, turn around and go home. Right? Wrong! No way are you going to turn around now! Your trip may have been delayed by half an hour, but you have put way too much time, effort and money planning for this trip. Better late than never!

You know, life is much like that dream vacation we yearn for. We have goals (or at least SHOULD have goals) that we strive to achieve. Some may be short-term, others may take longer to accomplish. Regardless, they are important to us. If we are truly committed, we will do whatever it takes to reach that goal. If you’ve ever reached a goal you set for yourself, you know just how good that sense of accomplishment feels!

Sometimes we are cruising along on the road called life, having a good ole time, when we encounter a little bump. Other times we run face first into a boulder! We become frustrated. We stub our toe on the little bump and it hurts too much. We look up at the big boulder and become convinced that there is no way to climb over it. But what if, instead of doing that, we would take a step backwards and looked at things from a different perspective?  What if we realized that we could try to find a way around the obstacle?

I encourage you to take advantage of times like these and use them as an opportunity to re-focus. Remember that you’ve been down this road before, and have somehow survived. Not only have you survived, but came out stronger on the other side. I know because I have been there, more times than I would have preferred!

“It’s too difficult!” “This is taking too long!” “I’m too tired.” These are some of the negative things that I have said to myself when the going got tough. However, I am a dreamer by nature. I love life and am always planning my next adventure. The years are going to pass me by anyhow, and darn it if I’m going to sit back and not challenge them! “Yes I will rise, out of these ashes rise. From this trouble I have found, and this rubble on the ground, I will rise. ‘Cause He Who is in me is greater than I will ever be…” (“Rise” by Shawn McDonald).

Been Away Too Long

Greetings!

I hope you are all doing well. I took a hiatus from writing, but now it's time to get back into the swing of things. I was busy, mostly trying to get rid of some clutter in my life.

Less busy work + more me time = additional time for me to do the things I love!

I also would like to take this time to wish you & your families a Blessed & Happy Thanksgiving!

Stay tuned...

Reach for Your Summit

In a week, God willing, I will be embarking on the adventure of a lifetime. Along with a group of other brave souls I will be Africa-bound, where we will attempt to reach the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro, the tallest mountain in Africa and the tallest free-standing mountain in the world!

Visiting Africa has been on my bucket list since I was a teenager. I have always been fascinated with traveling, and Africa is certainly one of the places I have on my list. I often think of the children that have been a victim of poverty, civil war, and diseases such as malaria and AIDS, among many other things. On this trip I will have the privilege to visit a clinic to meet some of these children firsthand. This is all made possible through The American Foundation for Children with AIDS (AFCA.) AFCA is a non-profit organization that helps children in sub-Saharan Africa, as well as their guardians, who are HIV positive or who have contracted AIDS and lack access to appropriate medical care. 

I also have always felt a connection with the people of Africa. Being Puerto Rican, I can attribute some of my beliefs, vocabulary, food, and especially music to African roots. Puerto Rico had a large population of African slaves that arrived from the Gold Coast, Nigeria, Dahomey, and the region known as the area of Guineas, the Slave Coast. The vast majority were ethnic groups from Nigeria and the Guineas. Their contributions to music, art, language, and heritage have become instrumental to Puerto Rican culture. And what a rich culture it is!

Thinking about my trip brought to mind some questions. How many of us have to live with no running water? How many of us go to the bathroom in an outhouse? How difficult is it for our children to attend school? I grew up in a relatively humble household. We had no hot water and oftentimes we didn’t have any running water for days at a time. Sometimes our electricity would go out and we’d have to get around by candlelight. When the gas ran out on our stove, my mother would have to prepare dinner outdoors on a rustic makeshift stove comprised of stones and firewood. Nevertheless, this type of poor living pales in comparison to the poverty many people still face. No matter how tough we have it, we really don’t know what struggle is when we compare our circumstances to other real-life situations.  

Climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro will be no easy task. It will take approximately 6 days to reach the summit, and only 1 day to come back down. We will experience several different climate zones, from dense trees to rocky terrain to snow atop the mountain. A big cause for concern is the possibility of altitude sickness, which occurs when you cannot get enough oxygen from the air. Air is thinner at high altitudes. When you go too high too fast, your body cannot get as much oxygen as it needs. Altitude sickness can range from feeling like you have the flu or a hangover, to more serious symptoms that could result in death.

Life is no easy trek either. It is a lot like climbing a mountain. We will encounter uphill climbs, downhill descents and plateaus. It may take us a long time to reach the top, only to find ourselves at the bottom in an instant. Rushing through life may make us succumb to “altitude sickness.” My advice? Take your time, keep your eye on the prize, and aspire to reach the summit in your life. I guarantee the views from there will be worth all of the sacrifice.

The Road Ahead

On the way to work today I found myself doing something I have not been able to do in a long time: daydreaming. Depression had robbed me of that ability for quite some time. After all, one cannot daydream when one is feeling hopeless.

I kept playing snippets of yesterday in my mind. It was such a good day for me that I thought to myself, “If this is an indication of what the rest of my life is going to be like, I am going to be a very happy woman.”

For a brief moment the voice of pessimism reared its ugly head and tried to whisper, “Just remember…it won’t always be this good.”  In spite of this, I find that I am at a point in my life where I could squash that voice immediately and not worry about the what-ifs.

If you would have told me just 4 months ago that I would be smiling, let alone laughing, I would have told you that you were delusional. The darkness I was living in during that time was all encompassing. Nothing made sense, nothing was true, nothing was good. I could not think about the future. Heck, I couldn’t even think about the next day. Most of my days were lived hour to hour. “If I can just get past this hour,” I would say, “then I can continue to put the worst behind me.”

Have I ever been joyful in the past? Of course I have. This time around, however, my joy feels different. My life is far from perfect. I still face debt, worry about my children and their health, deal with my own insecurities, and long to find a mate. The difference now is that I can still feel positive and optimistic about my future in spite of this. It is a joy that I have only been able to find in Jesus. Nothing in this world can trump the love and protection that can only be found in him.

The way I see it is this: we will all face adversity in life at one time or another, but we don’t have to face it alone. I can hand everything over to God and know he will get me through it. Even in my darkest moments, when I can’t see past the horizon, I don’t have to worry. God is leading my way, and the road ahead shines ever so bright.

Divorce – My Own Witness Protection Program

Imagine having to make the decision of whether to stay quiet and remain anonymous, or to come forward and testify in the name of justice.  If you remain anonymous and do not speak up, your life will go on as usual. You will not ruffle any feathers and do not risk losing anything. On the other hand, if you testify you take on the risk of losing many things near and dear to you. You will lose contact with friends and family members, you will have to move to another location, you will have to change jobs, and scariest of all – you will have to take on a whole new identity. Your new life will be lived under the witness protection program.

For me, divorce was a lot like going into the witness protection program.  Some friends remained neutral and offered support, but unfortunately I lost many friends in the process. I lost a whole set of family members: a wonderful mother-in-law and several brothers & sisters-in-law. I could no longer refer to them as my in-laws, nor would I be able to refer to my ex as my husband. I moved to a different house. I no longer lived in a two-parent household; I was now a single mother. I literally took on a completely new identity.

As the one who filed for divorce, I had to make a very difficult decision. People who think I threw a party the day my divorce was finalized irritate me. What was it that I was supposed to be celebrating? 17 years invested in the institution of marriage? No longer having a companion by my side at night? Or should I have been happy about the fact that I was the one who decided to end it? 

Let me see if I can make you understand just how painful divorce is: I would not wish it on my worst enemy! I believe divorce can be compared to death. It basically is a type of death, the death of a relationship. With divorce, you undergo the same grieving stages as you do when somebody close to you dies. Being the one who initiates it does not make you immune to the painful process. I guarantee you that both parties will somehow go through the grieving stages. 

There are 5 stages to the grieving process: * Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance (DABDA.).
  
The five stages of grief do not necessarily occur in that order. Grieving is a personal process that has no time limit. We often move between the different stages before we are able to feel some type of normalcy. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Some people may outwardly weep, while others may seem like they are over it when they’re actually dying inside. The important thing is to allow yourself to grieve. No one I have ever spoken with has ever told me that they enjoy hurting and crying. However, suppressing and resisting your feelings will only prolong the natural healing process.

It’s been 6 years since my separation and subsequent divorce. I don’t obsess about it, but it is only now that I can honestly say I have moved forward. I am finally adjusting well to life in my own version of the “witness protection program.” I choose to look at it as a new adventure. Having obtained a new identity is not so bad after all.  

 

 *For more detailed information on the stages of grief see http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-grief

Behind Closed Doors

I’ve heard it said time and time again, “When one door closes, another one opens.” My question is: What do you do with the baggage in your hands? Do you continue to carry it as you cross the threshold of the newly opened door, or do you review its contents and get rid of the unnecessary first? As we stand on the opposite side of that door we have many decisions to make.

I can’t tell you how many times I have been in the position of facing a closed door. Sometimes I was the one who closed it, other times it was slammed on my face. How I got there matters, but it matters more how I prepare myself before I turn the knob and embark on a new journey.

The last few weeks I have sat back in silence. I have been taking in all that is happening AROUND me, and TO me. I have cried for what I perceived to be losses and have smiled at what I perceive to be new beginnings. I have stood in the background, figuratively speaking, observing the things that bring me joy and the things that bring me grief. The one conclusion I have been able to make is this: grief and anger are good for me.

Am I implying that I am some kind of masochist? Of course not! However, thanks to my last few therapy sessions I have come to realize that grief, pain, and anger can be used for good. You see, when everything is going well for us and we are content, we are not moved to action. We want to feel that way forever. We certainly don’t want to change the way things are and disturb our groove.  But when we are faced with strong emotions such as grief and anger, we are motivated to act. Surely we were not created to feel angry or sad only to remain stagnant.

When God placed the first of his creations in a beautiful garden, he intended for them to live in an environment where all they would experience was beauty, joy and peace. Nevertheless, we can't truly be happy if we've never known pain. We can't truly feel joy if we've never felt heartbreak.

As I reflect, I feel that I have been able to answer my own question. It's perfectly ok to take some baggage with me; I am going to need it. Would you ever go on a trip without packing the things you’ll need and keeping unnecessary items back home? The same principle applies here:

I will use my baggage to store the lessons I have learned, throw away the excuses, and make extra room for the new experiences awaiting for me on the other side of that door.

The Sun Will Come Out, Tomorrow

The last couple of days have been a prime example of why I would NOT wish depression on even my worst enemy.   The feelings of contentment and joy that have been a part of my life for the past few weeks have given way to sadness and despair. Still wearing a smile on my face, I manage to get up and go to work and give it my all. I’ve managed to come home and carry out my household duties. My kids ask me what’s wrong and get frustrated when I answer, “Nothing. I’ll be fine.”

The truth is that while it could be worse, I am dealing with some issues that have me feeling down. Some of them are out of my control, others are self-imposed.  Thank God prayer and lots of tears have kept me from falling apart altogether. Last night I read a passage in the Bible that renewed my hope: “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7)

Depression has a way of making us worry unnecessarily about things that are beyond our control. The “why” questions and the “what if’s”. The uncertainties of life. Feeling sad but not really being able to pin down a specific reason as to why. Wanting to have someone hold you in their arms, but looking around at an empty house.

I realize that I have much to be thankful for. I am not discounting that. I do appreciate my friends and those who call, text or give me a loving hug. But that is the twisted reality of this disease – feeling unhappy despite all of the good things going on in your life.

I know this fleeting storm will pass. As Annie used to say, “The sun will come out, tomorrow.” In the meantime, I will just have to put up with the rain.

My Fragrant Flower

Few vines rival the jasmine plant for beauty and fragrance. The jasmine plant produces beautiful clusters of flowers that can be smelled from a few feet away. The delicate jasmine flower opens only at night. The name Jasmine derives from Persian origin. It means “fragrant flower.” It also happens to be my daughter’s name.

Respectful. Poised. Beautiful. Intelligent. Confident. Humble. Tenacious. Straightforward.

Those are only a few of the adjectives I immediately think of when I think about my daughter.

Notice how I used the word “tenacious” instead of stubborn. ☺  From day one my daughter established her own rules. I was two weeks overdue when she finally decided it was time to enter this world. I was in labor for 24 hours – every time a contraction would lower her into the birthing canal, she would go back up as soon as it was over. Then, when the doctors said that I would have to deliver her via cesarean section, she chose to come out on her own.


Jasmine is probably not aware of this, but I look up to her. I admire her strength and honesty. I appreciate her humble demeanor despite her notable beauty. I wish I would have half of the organizational resourcefulness that she does.

I have learned many lessons from my daughter. Jasmine speaks her mind wherever she is. You see, she doesn’t just say what people want to hear, she tells them exactly what she is thinking. She is not malicious or rude about it. She is merely sincere. With Jasmine you never have to feel deceived or lied to. If someone asks her, “Does this look right on me?” and it doesn’t, she will not try to sugarcoat it. She will say, “You should not wear that.”

She loves children and is very good with them. They always seem to gravitate towards her. She can care for them in the most nurturing of ways and keep them entertained for hours. Nevertheless, when it comes time to discipline she pulls no punches. She is not afraid of correcting inappropriate behavior. She is a great teacher and mentor.

Jasmine immerses herself fully into everything she does. At home she always took her chores seriously; Jasmine will be the first to tell you that she has been doing her own laundry since she was 7. I was spoiled during the summertime when she was on vacation from school. I would come home from work and my entire house would be spotless!

All throughout school Jasmine earned awards, honors, and even completed college credits before she graduated high school. She holds the record for being the only student in a particular teacher’s class to get a 100% on a research paper. I will never forget the time in elementary school when she played the lead role of “Granny” in a play based on the tale of Little Red Riding Hood. I was so proud.

Jasmine is 21 years old now, and has been working at the same place since she was 16. At her job she has been noticed for her initiative and impeccable work ethic. She treats the customers with respect and goes out of her way to help them. She helps her co-workers whenever it’s necessary, even though she is a coordinator. Her humble character does not permit her to feel as if she is above anyone else.

As much as Jasmine dislikes it, I sometimes refer to her younger brother as her “son.” That usually evokes a grumble on her part, but even at a young age it was evident that she took good care of him. As I said before, she wasted no time telling him to act right when he would misbehave. She also spared no details when it came to caring for him. To this day she makes sure he eats. She makes sure he takes his medicines. “Do you have any homework?” she asks him. “Did you do what mom told you?” Thank God she is levelheaded, because the influence she has on him is almost scary! I jokingly say that if she were to tell him to go rob a bank he would probably do it, no questions asked.

Reflecting on what I have written makes me realize something: 21 years ago God sent me a lifetime supply of my own personal fragrant flowers in the form of my daughter. The world is a little brighter because she’s in it. I am blessed beyond words to have the privilege of being called her mother.

I Can...& I Will

            My son Damian, who will turn 18 this year, recently expressed an interest in martial arts. Your first thought might be, “What’s the big deal?” Well, if you knew the odds that my son has had to go up against you would realize just what a big deal it really is.

          I will go back to when my son was 2. At that tender age, he cut his forehead open due to jumping on the bed. When I say that he cut his forehead open, I mean you could see cartilage. If it wouldn’t have been for my wonderful blessing of a daughter who (only being 6 years old at the time) calmly got me towels and called my sister, I would not have been able to keep it together. (I did fall apart, but it could have been worse.) What was amazing to me was that my son stopped crying right away. Even at that age he was already demonstrating his resolve. During the rest of his years I was forced to grow accustomed to more bumps, bruises, and stitches, like the time when he fell at school and cut his chin open.

          When Damian was 5 years old I enjoyed helping him with his Kindergarten homework and activities. He learned how to read when he was 4, and was already a fairly good speller. The only thing that concerned me was his constant daydreaming. I would often have to repeat things and re-direct him. I was also concerned about the way he would pronounce certain letters. Whenever he would get frustrated he would quit and say, “I can’t.” I would always tell him, “Repeat after me – I can and I will!” I made him repeat it enough of times that he began to automatically correct himself whenever he’d start to utter, “I can’t.”

          Unbeknownst to me at the time was that he was suffering from partial hearing loss due to fluid build-up in his ears. He had to have his tonsils and adenoids removed. He never once complained. If anything, he loved the fact that he could eat all of the ice cream he wanted for a whole week! I no longer had to repeat things to him and his speech greatly improved. However, his daydreaming only got worse.

          When it was time for his next physical I decided I would mention this to his pediatrician. As luck would have it he did his usual stare off into space. I quickly pointed it out to his doctor who then turned around, looked at me, and said, “I think your son is having an absence seizure, a form of epilepsy.”

          Epilepsy? My 5-year-old son? Not possible! After all, the only other person I had ever seen with epileptic attack was my father, and he would fall and foam at the mouth. Unfortunately, the epilepsy diagnosis was confirmed after further testing. Now he would have to be subjected to a medication regiment. Once again, he never complained. I was actually impressed at how quickly he learned how to swallow his pills. Epilepsy never really slowed Damian down. The medications worked very well at keeping the seizures at bay. Even when he did get one he would just stare for a few seconds.

          In between 5 & 9 years old Damian was also diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD. In addition, a learning disability would surface the following year. Again, this did not keep my son down. God blessed him with a great memory. He had no problem memorizing multiplication and division tables. He was two grade levels above in spelling, and was a very good reader. What was even more remarkable was that he read fluently in both English and Spanish. As for his ADHD, I told myself that I would simply have to learn to adapt my reactions to his conduct. I would rely on patience and behavioral interventions rather than subject him to even more medication. Never once did my son complain about feeling inferior or different. He always tried hard and wore a smile.

          The summer of Damian’s 10^th birthday it finally felt like everything was under control. We had just finished building our dream home outside of the city. Now he and his sister would have enough yard space in which to play and run around. They could invite their friends over and make childhood memories. Regrettably, one of those memories would prove to be a very painful one for all of us, especially for my son.

          An innocent game of baseball turned into a life-changing moment. My ex-husband and I were returning from the store when my daughter ran over to the car exclaiming, “Mom, Damian’s had an accident!” The rest of what came out of her mouth still penetrates me as sharply as it did that day. We had only been in our newly built home for a week. The evidence of construction was still visible all around the development, including unprotected rebars (steel rods used to reinforce concrete.) One of those rebars punctured my son’s right eye when he bent down to pick up a ball.

          Everything surrounding this incident seemed so surreal. I had no idea what to expect when I entered the house. There lay my son, holding a paper towel over his eye as calm as could be. He wasn’t crying, he wasn’t complaining. I immediately thought “Whew! It doesn’t seem to be as bad as I thought.” That was until I took the paper towel off. His eye did not resemble an eye. I wanted to fall to my knees, but his calm demeanor gave me strength. Of course, I also knew all along that God was undoubtedly behind both of our strength.

          My son bravely walked to the car, holding on to the paper towel over his eye. We took him to the local hospital hoping they would patch him up and send him home. The emergency room doctor took one look at him and said, “We can’t help him here. He needs to go to Hershey Med.” (Penn State Hershey Medical Center has been recognized as one of the best hospitals in the nation.) The seriousness of the situation quickly began to sink in. The specialist at Hershey told us that it was “the worst eye injury” he had ever seen. We were told that my son would most likely lose his eye and needed to get an artificial implant. How on earth do you relay this news to a child?

          Emergency surgery was done to close the gap in his eye. He had lost his lens, all of the fluid in his eye (vitreous humour), and severely damaged his iris and cornea. Miraculously, he did not lose his eye. He was even able to see colors and shadows! Another surgery was performed in order to improve the outward appearance of the eye. This was bittersweet due to the fact that the cornea transplanted onto my son’s eye came from an 18-year-old boy who had died in a car accident in Iowa.

          Damian’s resiliency shone through once again. His main concern while recuperating in the hospital? Whether or not they would allow him to play video games! I also recall the time several weeks later when I reminded him of his least favorite chore – throwing out the garbage. His response? “Mooomm, you know the doctor said I can’t put pressure on my eye!” My comeback? “You don’t use your eyes to pick up the trash bag, you use your hands.” We both laughed, but he still had to do his chore. You see, I refused to let my son’s physical handicap become an emotional one.

          My son ultimately lost all sight in his right eye. He lacks depth perception, spatial orientation, and eye-hand coordination. I think somebody forgot to tell him. Haha! Why do I say that? Well, one time I decided to close one eye and try to go about my business. I was so uncoordinated. Not too long after his injury we were outside playing football. I threw the ball with one eye closed. While I thought I had thrown the ball straight ahead, I had actually thrown it to the opposite side of my field of vision! Damian, on the other hand, always threw it completely straight.

          Although 8 years have passed since that day, we still deal with it daily. He has to use drops in that eye for the rest of his life. Two years ago it began to bleed internally for no known reason. The pressure in his eye dropped and there was talk again about him needing to get an artificial eye. This time around he was told of the impending result. Damian didn’t really talk about it, but he didn’t complain either. Thankfully the pressure has been brought back to normal through the use of drops (of course I know that it’s really through the hand of God.) Currently, Damian is doing well…almost.

          As he approaches 18, he will be undergoing major chest surgery. He needs to have a steel rod inserted in his sternum. When he entered his teens his breastbone began to grow inward, causing a deep dent in his chest. Not only does it have a sunken appearance, but also leaves little room for his heart and lungs. It could potentially cause his heart to shift and become displaced.

          We have been warned. While complications are typically minimum, the pain following the surgery is not. At first Damian did not want to go through with the surgery. I told him that he would be ok because they would give him sufficient pain medication. His response to that? “Oh, I’m not worried about the pain. I just don’t want that metal thing inside me.” Ha! I should have known that he would not be afraid of the pain.

          Writing this prompted me to look up the meaning of the name Damian. I was not in the least bit surprised at what I found: Damian: Greek origin. Means “to conquer, master, overcome, tame.” Of course!

          As I sit here proudly watching him perform his karate moves in class, smiling and throwing kicks and punches into the air, I can almost sense what is going through his mind…

“I CAN...& I WILL!”

PS = Stay tuned for next week's blog where I will be writing about the other inspiration in my life...my sweet daughter Jasmine.