On the way to work today I found myself doing something I
have not been able to do in a long time: daydreaming. Depression had robbed me
of that ability for quite some time. After all, one cannot daydream when one is
feeling hopeless.
I kept playing snippets of yesterday in my mind. It was such
a good day for me that I thought to myself, “If this is an indication of what
the rest of my life is going to be like, I am going to be a very happy woman.”
For a brief moment the voice of pessimism reared its ugly
head and tried to whisper, “Just remember…it won’t always be this good.” In spite of this, I find that I am at a
point in my life where I could squash that voice immediately and not worry
about the what-ifs.
If you would have told me just 4 months ago that I would be
smiling, let alone laughing, I would have told you that you were delusional.
The darkness I was living in during that time was all encompassing. Nothing made
sense, nothing was true, nothing was good. I could not think about the future.
Heck, I couldn’t even think about the next day. Most of my days were lived hour
to hour. “If I can just get past this hour,” I would say, “then I can continue
to put the worst behind me.”
Have I ever been joyful in the past? Of course I have. This
time around, however, my joy feels different. My life is far from perfect. I
still face debt, worry about my children and their health, deal with my own
insecurities, and long to find a mate. The difference now is that I can still
feel positive and optimistic about my future in spite of this. It is a joy that
I have only been able to find in Jesus. Nothing in this world can trump the
love and protection that can only be found in him.
